me, myself, & i
I’m listening to a playlist that I’ve named “retire” that makes me think of all the notions I’ve held throughout this process and how they shift in every moment and how much I feel. Ask how I am at any given moment and I could give you many different answers. The simplest answer is that I feel everything all the time and it’s exhausting trying to hold it in a way that isn’t messy and difficult for others to understand. I’m up and down and everywhere all the time. I’m anticipating and experiencing and mourning. I exist in the past, present, and future. I’m really trying to look forward to future times and make plans.
The past few weeks have been spent primarily in Southern California. Bouncing around between the counties I’ve known my whole life, seeing friends, family, and friends that feel like family. In Los Angeles, I got the opportunity to go to a very small acoustic show for Lucy Dacus and her new album. This show meant so much to me as experiencing her in a venue that felt right to house her incredible vocals was otherworldly.
I’m really missing my kitties, missing my bed, & the other portions of my heart that are spread throughout Oregon.
This trip was something I needed, but sometimes, it feels like you can easily overstay your welcome in California. It never feels meant for me…even if the people I have in this state are lovely beyond measure and I care deeply for them. It feels just like a place suspended in time for me, a place where people are stagnant and things can’t grow the way they’re meant to. Of course, that’s the reason I left & the reason I don’t love revisiting certain parts of the state (I.e. Orange County). It just feels like a place I’ll never fit in nor would I want to.
I had a weird experience at my hometown Trader Joe’s where people reacted to my shaved head. They looked at me like I was a zoo animal or perhaps like I had three heads. It was primarily white cis men that I noticed staring. They expect me to perform for them femininity, but I cannot imagine doing so in this stage of my life. I never bring my wig to California and I only wear it on certain occasions anywhere else. I am getting more used to just rocking the G.I. Jane cut and I almost prefer it in most cases. Yes, sometimes the looks I receive are derogatory feeling, but for the most part, I feel more like myself.
I’m thinking about how much more I feel of myself lately. My body has changed in a way that I don’t really know how to recognize, but internally, the person I am is the person I’ve been yearning to be my whole life. I think the external recognition of self is something that is constantly evolving for me, as I learn to recognize my physical form, to dress myself in this body, to see myself in the mirror. But I have the internal, and that for now is enough.