it happened

Well, it happened. My tumor grew back. So now, I have some decisions to make. I’ve been waiting for this shoe to drop, waiting for the next step in this horror-esque version of my life.

I have an appointment Friday with my neurosurgeon to see if it is even operable at this point and what it would mean, what it looks like, etc… from his perspective and knowledge. (Yes, I’m entertaining it, but I really don’t want to have another brain surgery).

I have another appointment Tuesday 6/17 to go over my chemotherapy options with my neuro oncology team. This is likely the route I’ll go.

It is currently 4:30AM and I’m terrified. I haven’t slept well this evening because I don’t know what to do with what this means. What the risks are. What it all will take. I’m terrified to be made sick again by meds. Terrified to lose even more of myself. Terrified to be bedridden even on my best days.

I’ve done this before and I know what it takes and that’s half the battle for me. I’m hoping I can find peace within my decisions that I make now. My symptoms are returning once again (the weakness and numbness, the word jumbling, comprehension issues).

I’ve felt like this has been happening or going to happen for a month. I just didn’t realize I’d be right. I try not to be cynical, but it’s really hard not to when you have a ticking time bomb in your brain.

I’ll leave you here for now. Update y’all next week for sure.